Be it enacted and duly established as an emergency law with immediate effect pursuant to the bail-out, stimulus and health care reforms deemed essential to national economic recovery, and in supersession and pre-emption of all state and local laws to the contrary:
United States Code: Hunting and Harvesting of Lawyers.
Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest lawyers for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.
Taking of lawyers with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.
The willful killing of lawyers with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If a lawyer is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead lawyer should be removed to the roadside and tagged, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.
It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest lawyers from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.
It is unlawful to shout, "WHIPLASH," "AMBULANCE," "ASBESTOS," "TOBACCO," or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purposes of baiting or trapping lawyers.
It is unlawful to hunt lawyers within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons.
It is unlawful to hunt lawyers within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.
If a lawyer gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap, or possess the same in unlimited numbers.
It is unlawful for a hunter to wear camouflage or other disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting lawyers.
It is unlawful to hunt, trap or possess honest lawyers, as they are protected under the Endangered Species Act.
Bag and Possession Limits per day:
(a) Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2;
(b) Two-faced ambulance chasers, 1;
(c) Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3;
(d) Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2; and
(e) Minutiae-advocating dirt bags, 4.